Cell (408) 529-1975
Fax (408) 871-6875
NEW LOCATION 09-28-09
901 Campisi Way
Suite 350
Campbell CA 95008
Office is the San Jose California area
Campbell and Los Gatos Marriage Counseling, Counselor and Therapist for Marriage Problems and Infidelity in Campbell and Los Gatos, CA, California
Russell Wilkie, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Affairs
There's been an affair!We can spend time analyzing and being angry or in pain about the type of affair: emotional, physical, or about how physical it was? Or we can look at the meaning or symbolism: it's over, why didn't I see this coming? Or we can look at the effect: devastation, betrayal, broken trust, why me? All of these are about me, the "victim."
Or, we can look at discovering why a person would leave the relationship without moving out of the house first...
Many people think an affair is about sex. It isn't. Affairs don't happen because of sexual boredom. They happen because people are no longer attached/bonded to their partner. They are basically lonely. It's hard to grasp that a person in a relationship can be lonely, but without a solid emotional attachment to a partner, it becomes easy to wander. All it takes is a smile from someone at the office and you feel good. You imagine what it would be like to matter to someone again and you're off and running toward an affair.
We are a species that needs attachment/connection/bonding. For years, we've had scientific evidence that infants need it. It turns out that adults do to. Our need for attachment is why we pursue relationships. It's when the attachment becomes damaged that we will go find it somewhere else...
I've heard many people argue that men are not meant for monogamy because they stray and they are biologically built to spread their seed. The truth is that more women wander than is believed, but I think men wander for "reason's" related to sex.
Men tend to get their attachment needs met through sex. Women get a fair amount of their attachment needs met from girlfriends and family. Most men I've worked with have the aspects involved in attachment all twisted up and fused together, mainly because they aren't taught very well about emotions and connections. When a man fuses attachment, love, sex and intimacy together and then one of those is off a bit, he will typically think the entire relationship is dying.
So, one goal of therapy is to work toward separation of those four things on emotional and intellectual levels and learn that one of the four can be low, the others are fine and the relationship is not dead.
Why can't a person speak the unhappiness? Why can't a person just say, "You know, I fantasize about having a romance or a sexual relationship with another person. I think it's because I'm bored with us or something, and that tells me something big about our lack of connection?"
That is precisely how communication should be. We need to be fearless when we are communicating within our most intimate relationship.
Many couples therapy session begin right here...
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Entire Site © Copyright 1998 - 2010 Russell Wilkie, MFT
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Site last updated February 8, 2010
Office is in the Silicon Valley area. Nearby cities include:
Los Altos, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Cupertino, Saratoga, Los Gatos, and Monte Sereno