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An Exercise In Honesty
100% honesty is an excellent goal, but it can be difficult to maintain because
of our very human anxiety (or fear) of telling the truth. In all relationships,
dishonesty and withholding the truth usually adds bricks to the wall between you
and your loved ones, preventing deep intimacy.
As a therapist, I regularly see clients struggle with the issue of honesty,
anywhere from hiding an affair to saying niceties. Even saying you are fine to
someone during the day may very well be a form of lying.
When we look at how honest we are in our lives, inevitably, questions arise for
us all.
Let's look at the couple that I'll call Gary and Liz. Gary struggles with many
questions on a regular basis as he attempts to appease Liz by withholding his
truth: How much to tell? When to tell? What not to tell? Is it okay to ask for
what I want? How honest should I, or can I be? Should I tell her I don't like
that dress on her, just ignore it, or compliment her to reduce conflict? Then
there is the "big" lie -- hiding his affair. Unfortunately, covering over
something as damaging as an affair gets its start with the "little white lies"
that he believes are okay.
Have you heard the term "a little white lie?" What does it mean to you? Does it
mean that the lie is so small it won't hurt anyone? Does it mean the truth will
never be known? Is Gary telling Liz that her dress looks great considered a
little white lie?
Let's look at the range of lies like this:
White -- Light gray -- Dark gray -- Black
White: Gary says, "I don't care which movie we go to." Problem: He might
have a preference, but he tends to say things don't matter because he wants Liz
to get what she wants, usually to avoid conflict or be nice. Unfortunately, Liz
is not getting the real deal -- Gary's authentic self. Eventually Gary's truth
will, likely, emerge in some other more serious issues. He is laying the
foundation for a brick wall between them that prevents intimacy.
Light Gray: Gary says, "That dress looks fine on you." Problem: He says
this to reduce conflict or because he thinks Liz will feel good. Unfortunately,
he's added another brick in the wall that prevents intimacy. If he does this too
many times, then he builds a large list of things he actually doesn't like about
or with Liz. These will go into his "resentment box." In a time of crisis or
conflict, he will probably dump the entire box of resentments over Liz's head by
bringing up seemingly unrelated issues and past hurts. This is why withholding
the full truth can become poison and why many couples argue about unimportant
and unrelated issues.
Dark Gray: Gary says, "I wouldn't think of having an affair with her."
Problem: This one can be tricky if he deludes himself by denying that he isn't
interested in another woman simply because he thinks he shouldn't be. But if he
really thought deeply about this, he might very well come to see that he is
interested in her (even if mildly) or feeling something for this other woman and
Liz is picking up on these feelings, even though you are not consciously aware
of it. This type of dishonesty occurs because of a fear of conflict, yet he has
no way of knowing what the outcome would be if he were honest with Liz. Maybe if
he were honest from the beginning, then the insecurity between them could be
dealt with instead of being an ongoing issue.
Black: Gary says, "I am not having an affair." Problem: This is the
poison that destroys. If he is discovered in such a lie then it will clearly be
seen as a betrayal by Liz and will create havoc because it is so clearly a
deception - that is, an intentional deception.
All of the above levels of dishonesty result in us not being fully in a
relationship - not deeply and intimately connected. How intimate of a
relationship can I have if it is based on false assumptions and lies about my
true nature - my authentic self? If I don't state my wants or opinions or
preferences, then who is the other person really having a relationship with?
This process is typically the one we go through when we first begin dating
someone. We get along fabulously and look for all of the ways we match, but deny
or withhold the mismatches that we see. We end up bending our true-self so far
in the other person's direction and presenting ourselves as what we think the
other person wants that we are not being true to ourselves or honest with the
other person. Later the other person says, "You're not the person I thought you
were," or "You were so different when we started dating." This reaction is very
common. Some people believe the other person has changed, but I believe they are
finally being honest. People sometimes refer to this as the end of the honeymoon
period.
If you would like to strive for more honesty and try to get to the ideal of 100%
honesty, then try the exercise below. You can use this as an inventory of
honesty for yourself to see how you're doing over time, or you can use it as a
checklist to see where you are in a certain relationship and what you can do to
clean things up.
The exercise:
Make three columns on a sheet of paper. Label the left column "White" (things I
have been afraid to say, but I'm willing to risk saying). Label the middle
column as "Gray" (things I think would create a very bad result). Label the
right column as "Black" (things I have said to avoid conflict or protect
someone).
The ultimate goal of the exercise is to get to the point where everything on the
list is crossed off and you have no secrets because you have come clean.
Alternatively, if you are already perfect, you can look at the categories at the
end of each day and reward yourself for the times during the day when you could
have added something to the dishonest list but didn't.
My disclaimer with this exercise is that I cannot be held responsible for the
outcome of your choice. What I can say though, is that if the person truly loves
you and there is intense commitment to the relationship, you have a stronger
chance of getting a positive response. I've worked with many couples in therapy,
like Gary and Liz, that have disclosed affairs (and sometimes worse) and the
connection and commitment toward each other allowed for healing of the rift. It
is not easy. It can be scary. It can turn out badly. You may need the presence
of another person to get through it. As a couple's therapist, I have walked many
people through a deep process of becoming (what one client called) "brutally
honest" with each other. Some have ended their relationships because of it and
some have become closer than ever. The benefit is that, when it's done, both
people stand on solid ground knowing that the relationship is real and that is a
comforting feeling to both people, even if it means the end of the relationship.
Years ago I made this up:
"Honesty only causes pain when it's withheld."
I put it up on my wall to remind me to pause and breath... and... tell it like
it is.
I believe it's true because I've seen so much pain and betrayal from the
dishonest approach in life. And those people I've known to be honest and those
I've watched move in this direction are much more at ease in life and
relationships.
It was Mark Twain (a little white lie, because his name was actually Samuel
Clemens) that said: "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything." This is a piece of wisdom that can put you at ease and create
the deepest kind of relationship intimacy. Noticing how many times a day you
could have lied and didn't can also do wonders for your self-esteem.
© 2004 Russell Wilkie
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the
last time.
Sam Rayburn (1882 - 1961), quoted Washingtonian, November
1978
Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you'll be so close as to be living
inside each other's skins.
Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999
No legacy is so rich as honesty.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "All's Well that Ends
Well", Act 3 scene 5
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881) |
Russell
Wilkie, MA, LMFT